Amazon thanks

Monday, November 23, 2009

Happy Turkey day

A young man
named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an
even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing
soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's
vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier
and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird
and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a
peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Thursday, November 19, 2009

looking to fish

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.

"She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said 'do what ever you want.'

"Here I am."

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

no joke cross the border


Let me see if I understand all this...

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE, A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON AND IN MANY INSTANCES YOU CAN VOTE.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

ifa

If a man speaks in the middle of the woods and no woman is around to hear what he says.Is he still wrong?

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

She was right!


REMEMBER WHEN YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU NEVER TO TAKE CANDYFROM A STRANGER....

Friday, September 18, 2009

Non funny spanish computer gender joke

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a sense of humor.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

He said she said




He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . .. You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ....... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!



He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . ... A widow.

He said to me . .. .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Texas Chili Cook-off

(Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better..
For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
City park.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield , IL .)

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili....
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
Flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin 's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
Me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting hammered from
all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a
snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-
inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Looking for jokes about BLONDES

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.







THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.







THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'







THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE COPILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.







THE COPILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO

HER SEAT.







THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE.'







THE COPILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.







THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'







HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, 'OH, I'M SORRY.' AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.







THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND COPILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.







I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Looking for Jokes...HINDU WOMEN

FINALLY! SOMETHING WE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND!
> > >
> > > FOR CENTURIES, HINDU WOMEN HAVE WORN A DOT ON THEIR FOREHEADS. MOST OF US
> > > HAVE NAIVELY THOUGHT THIS WAS CONNECTED WITH TRADITION OR RELIGION, BUT
> > > THE
> > > INDIAN EMBASSY IN OTTAWA HAS RECENTLY REVEALED THE STORY.
> > >
> > > WHEN A HINDU WOMAN GETS MARRIED, SHE BRINGS A DOWRY INTO THE UNION . ON
> > > HER
> > > WEDDING NIGHT, THE HUSBAND SCRATCHES OFF THE DOT TO SEE WHETHER HE HAS WON
> >
> > > A
> > > CONVENIENCE STORE, A GAS STATION, A DONUT SHOP, A TAXI CAB OR A MOTEL IN
> > > THE
> > > UNITED STATES. IF NOTHING IS THERE, HE MUST REMAIN IN INDIA TO ANSWER
> > > TELEPHONES AND PROVIDE US WITH TECHNICAL ADVICE.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Looking for Jokes..Amish Farmer Vs Muslim

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from
his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die
Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!" (which means: "Don't drink the
water.The cows and pigs have shit in it!)"



The man shouts back: "I am a Muslim. I don't understand, nor do I care
to understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"





The Amish man shouts back in English: "Use both hands, you'll get more.

Looking for Jokes....Stimulus Package

JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW…









I got my stimulus package in the mail today, It contained





Watermelon seeds. cornbread mix, and 10 KFC





coupons.









Have you gotten yours yet?

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Looking for jokes about the Irish!

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Looking for Granny Jokes!!! Video

video

Looking for Jokes...HONESTY!......Video

video

Looking for Jokes...Mexican Translation

1. *Cheese* - The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a > sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese a fat girl.> >                        2. *Mushroom* - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.> >               3. *Shoulder* - My fren wanted 2 become a cetizen but she didn't know how > to read so I shoulder.> >                 4.  * Texas * - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where > I'm at!> >                5. *Herpes* - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got > herpes.> >               6. *July* - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!> >              7. *Rectum* - I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!> >         8. *Chicken* - I was going 2 to go to the store with my wife but theen I > think chicken go herself.> >                    9. *Wheelchair* - We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry > wheelchair> >                       10. *Chicken* *Wing* - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing some > money.> >                   11. *Harassment* - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told > her, "Honey harassment nothing to me."> >                 12. *Bishop* - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.> >                13. *Body wash* - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.> >            14. *Budweiser* - That woman over there has a nice body, budweiser face > so ugly?

Friday, May 22, 2009

Looking for jokes...Dusted Undies

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'


His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.


'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'


She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Looking for jokes....Dear God

Dear God:


This year please send clothes

for all those poor ladies

in Daddy's computer.


Amen.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Looking for jokes...Confucius Says:

Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Looking for jokes...Mexican Whore!

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about
the raise...


She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'


Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is
that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?' learn mexican> For Mexican translation go here.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Looking for jokes...GEEKS!

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition,Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download
Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default toA
0Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.


Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install
Mother-In-Law1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will
eventually seize control of all your system resources..)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend5.0 ;
program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance.20 We
recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!
Tech Support

Friday, May 8, 2009

Looking for Obama Jokes

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the
local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out, here was this cop writing out a parking ticket.





I said to him, 'Come on,
man, how about giving a retired person a
break'?





He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity
annoyed me, so I called him a 'PIG.'





He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn
tires.





So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating NAZI.'





He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first.





Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a 'moron in blue'.





This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the
more, tickets he wrote.





Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the
car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper
stickers that, said, 'Obama '08.'





I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.





The doctor tells me that it's important for my health!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Looking for jokes...Caught in a Lie!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
> When you said you had 12 inches, Lord I almost died!
> But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
> That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on ...
> But there you are, another lie,
> I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
> I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
> Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
>
> Go on now-go! , Walk out the door,
> Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
> Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
> Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
>
> [Chorus]
>
> I will survive! I will survive!
> Cuz as long as I have batteries,
> My sex life's gonna thrive!
> I will always have good sex,
> With a handful of latex!
> I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
>
> It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
> When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
> But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
> Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
>
> [Chorus]
>
> I will survive! I will survive!
> Cuz as long as I have batteries,
> My sex life's gonna thrive!
> I will always have good sex,
> With a handful of latex!
> I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
>

Looking for jokes..SEX PRIZE!

A woman meets a man in a bar. They
talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..





They get back to
his place, And as he shows her around his
apartment,

She notices that one wall of
his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly
teddy bears.



There are three shelves in the
bedroom, With hundreds and hundreds of cute,

Cuddly
teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall!



It was obvious that he had
taken quite
some time to lovingly arrange them,

And she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had

put into organizing the display.



There were small bears all
along the
bottom shelf, Medium-sized
bears covering the

length of the middle shelf, And
huge, enormous bears running all
the way along the top shelf.



She found it strange for an obviously
masculine guy To
have such a large collection of

Teddy Bears, She
is quite impressed by his sensitive
side, But
doesn't mention this to him.



They share a bottle of wine and continue
talking and, After
awhile, she finds herself

thinking, 'Oh
my God! Maybe, this guy could
be the one! Maybe
he could be the future

Father of my children?'



She turns to him and kisses him lightly
on the lips. He
responds warmly. They
continue to kiss, the passion builds, And
he romantically lifts her in his
arms and carries her into his bedroom Where
they rip off each other's clothes
and make hot, steamy love.



She is so overwhelmed that she responds
with more passion, More
creativity, more heat than she has
ever known. After
an intense, explosive night of
raw passion with this sensitive guy, They
are lying there together in the
afterglow.



The woman rolls over, gently strokes
his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,
how was it?'



The guy gently smiles at her, Strokes her cheek, Looks
deeply into her eyes,

and says:



'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Looking for jokes...Post Turtle!

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to politics and Obama as our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle'.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, 'what is a 'Post Turtle'?

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'Post Turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'

Looking for jokes...Starts with F ends with K

What Starts with F and ends with K A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of herstudents. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rdgrade too!' Ms. Brooks had had enough. She too k Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to theprincipal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he wouldgive the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he wasto go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' ;Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd gradershould know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can goto the 3rd grade.' Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.' The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only twoof?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' Harry: 'Coconut.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft andsticky?' The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop theanswer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting downand a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means alot of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'PutHarry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....'

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Looking for jokes...God and the Biker!

GOD & THE BIKER
>>>>
>>>> > A biker was riding on a highway along a California
>>>> beach when suddenly
>>>> > the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming
>>>> voice, the Lord
>>>> > said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to
>>>> me in all ways, I will
>>>> > grant you one wish.
>>>> >
>>>> > The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge
>>>> to Hawaii so I can
>>>> > ride over anytime I want."
>>>> >
>>>> > The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic,
>>>> think of the enormous
>>>> > challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
>>>> required would
>>>> > reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and
>>>> steel it would take!
>>>> > It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I
>>>> can do it, but it
>>>> > is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
>>>> things. Take a
>>>> > little more time and think of something that would
>>>> honor and glorify me."
>>>> >
>>>> > The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he
>>>> said, "Lord, I
>>>> > wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know
>>>> how she feels
>>>> > inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
>>>> silent treatment,
>>>> > why she cries, what she means when she says
>>>> nothing's wrong, and how I
>>>> > can make a woman truly happy."
>>>> >
>>>> > The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on
>>>> that bridge?"
>>
>

Monday, May 4, 2009

Looking for party jokes

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Looking for hand jobs!

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up
to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

> COLD BEER: $2.00
> HAMBURGER: $2.25
> CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
> CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
> HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole'
biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he
whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes,
I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,
"Well then, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

Friday, April 24, 2009

Looking for jokes...Jesse Jackson

three-family home burned down in New York.
The Puerto Rican family on the first floor all perished.
The black family on the third floor all perished.
No one was injured from the white family on the second floor.

Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were enraged, calling a press conference and demanding from the Manhattan Fire Chief an explanation of how this could possibly happen, to which the Chief replied ....
"The People on the second floor were all at work."

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Looking for jokes...DIVORCE

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S.. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

Looking for Nursing Home Sex!!

Nursing Home Sex



Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after

dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and

ponder his accomplishments and long life.



One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to

chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.



After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and

asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'



She asks, 'What?'



'Sex!!' he replies.



Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a

gun to your head!'



'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman

could just hold

it for a while.'



Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his

manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly

each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would

hold Harold's manhood.



Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She

walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the

pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's

manhood!



Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have

that I don't have?'



Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Looking for jokes....Shoes!!!

Guido is in this country for only 6 months.

He walks to work 20 blocks every day

and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window

To admire the Boccelli leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...

it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price

of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community

holds a dance in the church basement.

Guido seizes this opportunity to wear

his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Maria to dance and

as they dance he asks her,

"Maria, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Maria replies,

"Yes, Guido, I do wear red panties tonight,

but how do you know?"

Guido answers,

"I see the reflection in my new

$300 Boccelli leather shoes.

How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance,

and after a few minutes
he asks,

" Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers,

"Yes, Guido, I do,

but how do you know that?"


He replies,

"I see the reflection in my new

$300 Boccelli leather shoes.

How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over

and the last song is being played,

Guido asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face

turns red.

He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart,

please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,

please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers,

"Yes Guido, I wear no panties tonight."


Guido gasps,




"Thanka God ..

I thought I had a CRACK in my

$300 Boccelli leather shoes!"

Looking for jokes...Alabama Farmer!

A man owned a small farm in Alabama .











0D

The Department of Labor claimed he was not paying





proper wages to his staff and sent a representative





out to interview him.

‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,'
demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been
with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and
board.





The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and
I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day
and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about
$10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle
Of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife
occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Looking for jokes about DRUNKS!!!!

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH... A drunken man walks into abiker bar, sits down at The bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a Corner table. Hegets up, staggers to the table, Leans over, looks the biggest, meanest,biker in The face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house Today and Isaw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His Buddies areconfused, because he is one bad biker And would fight at the drop of ahat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got It on with yourgrandma and she is good, the best I Ever had!' The biker's buddies arestarting to get really mad But the biker still says nothing. The drunkleans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you somethingelse, boy, your grandma Liked it!' At this point the biker stands up,takes the drunk By the shoulders looks him square in the eyes andSays.................... 'Grandpa...... Go home! You're drunk!!!

Looking for jokes...Old Hillbilly Farmer

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning til night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his
old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch..
Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag, it just went on and on. All of the
sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack
in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he
would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a
man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake
his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer
about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer,

and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but
always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod
my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale..'

Looking for jokes about cowboys!

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in
Oklahoma when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the
cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in
your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact
fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg ,Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC conne
cted Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why
not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows....this
is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog!

Looking for jokes...Women

He Said, I Said

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .......Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Looking for jokes...Women!!

They were married 65 years even though they hated each other. When they
had a confrontatio
n, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the
night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of
the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because
of the many strange occurrences That took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party,
as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'aren't you afraid that
he may indeed
be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt
you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried
upside down......'


Women…they think of everything!!!!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Looking for jokes...Walmart Greeter!

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

Looking for little Johnny jokes!!

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.



Molly put up her hand and said "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."



The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating"



Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.



She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.



Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."



The teacher cried

Looking for jokes..Seniors

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in KenDade Condo in Miami, are all excited


about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,


and on the way they pass a CVS/Pharmacy.. Jacob suggests they go in.



Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:



'Are you the Pharmacist ?'



The pharmacist answers, 'Yes.'



Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'


Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'



Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'



Pharmacist: 'All kinds ..'



Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?'



Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'


Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'


Pharmacist: 'Of course.'


Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'



Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'



Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'



Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'



Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'


Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'



Jacob: 'We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.'

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Looking for jokes...Mexican Hurricane!!!

MEXICAN HURRICANE


A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France.........OF Course) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones..
God bless America!!!!

Looking for jokes..Airplane survival!

Ain't nuttin' but funny, fo' sho!























There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for The
first time.















The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'al but I'm gunna wear me sum
hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.















"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.















The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare
laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."















The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe resant orange
panties." Why you gonna=2
0wear dem?" the others asked.















The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I
be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.."















The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any
panties....."What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.















The third lady says "Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I
ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey
always look fo da black box first."

Looking for Johnny jokes!

Fred and Larry get married in San Francisco..

They couldn't afford a honeymoon.

So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, Ok, go ahead and tell me what you think?'

He says:

'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... he took my airplane glue'.

Looking for jokes...Traffic Camera

TRAFFIC CAMERA



A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture
was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew
he was not
speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same
spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He
thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove
past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a
fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when
the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.



Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for
driving without a seat belt.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Looking for jokes..Find a Husband!!

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:





You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!







So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:





Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.





She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:





Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.





'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'





So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:







Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.





'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.





She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:





Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are

Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:





Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.





She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the

sixth floor, where the sign reads:





Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.





PLEASE NOTE:



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.





The first floor has wives that love sex.





The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.





The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

Looking for jokes about Obama!!

Constipation

Folks,

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the
mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when
symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack
Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore"

If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.

There is no need to thank me for this advice, I'm just doing this as a
public service.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Looking for jokes..At The Gym !

AT THE GYM
> If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
>
> Dear Diary,
> For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
>
> Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
>
> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
>
> My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
>
> ________________________________
> MONDAY:
> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
>
> Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
>
> Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
>
> ________________________________
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile... I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
>
> _______________________________
> WEDNESDAY:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
>
> Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
>
> My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
>
> _______________________________
> THURSDAY:
> Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
>
> Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
>
> Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
> _______________________________
> FRIDAY:
> I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
>
> Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
>
> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
> drama coach or the choir director?
>
> ________________________________
> SATURDAY:
> Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>
> ________________________________
> SUNDAY:
> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Looking for jokes about camels

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Looking for Obama jokes....Semper Fi

Semper Fi

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says:

"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I
got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,
"Excellent trade, sir."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Looking for jokes...Women Over 40!

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Looking for jokes about beautiful women!

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Friday, April 10, 2009

Looking for jokes about Jack Schitt

video

Looking for jokes about illegal immigrants

Have you ever noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add a few more letters, it actually spells out: "Fuck off and go home all you benefit-stealing, kid-producing, non-English-speaking cocksuckers, and take those hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-fucking, smelly raghead bastards with you."

How weird is that??

Looking for Blonde jokes

Easter Blond Joke



Three blonds (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him

what Easter was.



The first blond said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and

we give thanks and eat turkey."



St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.



The second blond said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and

exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.



The third blond said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So,

tell me."



She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish

festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples

when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung

Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb

behind a very large boulder ...



St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."



Then the blond continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus

comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."



St. Peter fainted.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Looking for jokes about getting old

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age..


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'


'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'


Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


'I said, 'No, my former doctor said

that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, hiking, or bi cycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'


'No,' I said.


He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Looking for another Obama joke!

Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?

Looking for jokes...gay spiders

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.



He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden,' she said.

Looking for jokes,Are you smarter than your foot?

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT? You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............ This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain! 1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Looking for jokes about Oklahoma!

Oklahoma Nudist Colony

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony in Oklahoma . On his first day
he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous
petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call
for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to
the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to
her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the
sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man
lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put
him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by
smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the
$500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had
a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I
fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'

Looking for doctor jokes

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied..
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling, dancing?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.



He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

Looking for little old lady jokes

The Night of April 1st
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Will you please state your age?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > I am 71 years old.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
> > 1st?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
> > spring evening,
> > When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Did you know him?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > No, but he sure was friendly.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > What happened after he sat down?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > He started to rub my thigh.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Did you stop him?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > No, I didn't stop him.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Why not?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years
> > ago.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > What happened next?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > He began to rub my breasts.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Did you stop him then?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > No, I did not stop him.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Why not?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good
> > in years!
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > What happened next?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told
> > him 'Take me, young man.
> >
> > Take me now!'
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Did he take you?
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off .
> > And that's when I shot him ............ the little bastard.
> >

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