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Friday, April 24, 2009

Looking for jokes...Jesse Jackson

three-family home burned down in New York.
The Puerto Rican family on the first floor all perished.
The black family on the third floor all perished.
No one was injured from the white family on the second floor.

Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were enraged, calling a press conference and demanding from the Manhattan Fire Chief an explanation of how this could possibly happen, to which the Chief replied ....
"The People on the second floor were all at work."

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Looking for jokes...DIVORCE

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S.. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

Looking for Nursing Home Sex!!

Nursing Home Sex



Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after

dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and

ponder his accomplishments and long life.



One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to

chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.



After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and

asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'



She asks, 'What?'



'Sex!!' he replies.



Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a

gun to your head!'



'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman

could just hold

it for a while.'



Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his

manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly

each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would

hold Harold's manhood.



Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She

walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the

pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's

manhood!



Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have

that I don't have?'



Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Looking for jokes....Shoes!!!

Guido is in this country for only 6 months.

He walks to work 20 blocks every day

and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window

To admire the Boccelli leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...

it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price

of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community

holds a dance in the church basement.

Guido seizes this opportunity to wear

his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Maria to dance and

as they dance he asks her,

"Maria, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Maria replies,

"Yes, Guido, I do wear red panties tonight,

but how do you know?"

Guido answers,

"I see the reflection in my new

$300 Boccelli leather shoes.

How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance,

and after a few minutes
he asks,

" Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers,

"Yes, Guido, I do,

but how do you know that?"


He replies,

"I see the reflection in my new

$300 Boccelli leather shoes.

How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over

and the last song is being played,

Guido asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face

turns red.

He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart,

please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,

please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers,

"Yes Guido, I wear no panties tonight."


Guido gasps,




"Thanka God ..

I thought I had a CRACK in my

$300 Boccelli leather shoes!"

Looking for jokes...Alabama Farmer!

A man owned a small farm in Alabama .











0D

The Department of Labor claimed he was not paying





proper wages to his staff and sent a representative





out to interview him.

‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,'
demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been
with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and
board.





The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and
I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day
and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about
$10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle
Of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife
occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Looking for jokes about DRUNKS!!!!

BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH... A drunken man walks into abiker bar, sits down at The bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a Corner table. Hegets up, staggers to the table, Leans over, looks the biggest, meanest,biker in The face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house Today and Isaw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His Buddies areconfused, because he is one bad biker And would fight at the drop of ahat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got It on with yourgrandma and she is good, the best I Ever had!' The biker's buddies arestarting to get really mad But the biker still says nothing. The drunkleans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you somethingelse, boy, your grandma Liked it!' At this point the biker stands up,takes the drunk By the shoulders looks him square in the eyes andSays.................... 'Grandpa...... Go home! You're drunk!!!

Looking for jokes...Old Hillbilly Farmer

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning til night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his
old mule.
He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch..
Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

Complain, nag, complain, nag, it just went on and on. All of the
sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack
in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he
would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a
man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake
his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer
about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer,

and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but
always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod
my head in agreement.'
'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale..'

Looking for jokes about cowboys!

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in
Oklahoma when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the
cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in
your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact
fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg ,Germany
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
database through an ODBC conne
cted Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why
not?'
'You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows....this
is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog!

Looking for jokes...Women

He Said, I Said

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .......Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said. . . A widow.

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Looking for jokes...Women!!

They were married 65 years even though they hated each other. When they
had a confrontatio
n, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the
night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of
the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because
of the many strange occurrences That took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party,
as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'aren't you afraid that
he may indeed
be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt
you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried
upside down......'


Women…they think of everything!!!!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Looking for jokes...Walmart Greeter!

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

Looking for little Johnny jokes!!

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.



Molly put up her hand and said "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."



The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating"



Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.



She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.



Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."



The teacher cried

Looking for jokes..Seniors

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in KenDade Condo in Miami, are all excited


about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,


and on the way they pass a CVS/Pharmacy.. Jacob suggests they go in.



Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:



'Are you the Pharmacist ?'



The pharmacist answers, 'Yes.'



Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'


Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'



Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'



Pharmacist: 'All kinds ..'



Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?'



Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'


Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'


Pharmacist: 'Of course.'


Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'



Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'



Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'



Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'



Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'


Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'



Jacob: 'We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.'

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Looking for jokes...Mexican Hurricane!!!

MEXICAN HURRICANE


A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France.........OF Course) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones..
God bless America!!!!

Looking for jokes..Airplane survival!

Ain't nuttin' but funny, fo' sho!























There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for The
first time.















The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'al but I'm gunna wear me sum
hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.















"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.















The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare
laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."















The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe resant orange
panties." Why you gonna=2
0wear dem?" the others asked.















The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I
be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.."















The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any
panties....."What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.















The third lady says "Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I
ain't wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey
always look fo da black box first."

Looking for Johnny jokes!

Fred and Larry get married in San Francisco..

They couldn't afford a honeymoon.

So, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, Ok, go ahead and tell me what you think?'

He says:

'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... he took my airplane glue'.

Looking for jokes...Traffic Camera

TRAFFIC CAMERA



A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture
was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew
he was not
speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same
spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He
thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove
past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a
fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when
the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.



Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for
driving without a seat belt.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Looking for jokes..Find a Husband!!

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:





You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!







So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:





Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.





She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:





Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.





'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'





So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:







Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.





'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.





She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:





Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are

Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.



'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:





Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.





She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the

sixth floor, where the sign reads:





Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.





PLEASE NOTE:



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.





The first floor has wives that love sex.





The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.





The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

Looking for jokes about Obama!!

Constipation

Folks,

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, look in the
mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when
symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack
Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore"

If that doesn't scare the crap out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.

There is no need to thank me for this advice, I'm just doing this as a
public service.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Looking for jokes..At The Gym !

AT THE GYM
> If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
>
> Dear Diary,
> For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
>
> Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
>
> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
>
> My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
>
> ________________________________
> MONDAY:
> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
>
> Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
>
> Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
>
> ________________________________
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile... I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
>
> _______________________________
> WEDNESDAY:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
>
> Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
>
> My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
>
> _______________________________
> THURSDAY:
> Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
>
> Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
>
> Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
> _______________________________
> FRIDAY:
> I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
>
> Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
>
> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
> drama coach or the choir director?
>
> ________________________________
> SATURDAY:
> Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
>
> ________________________________
> SUNDAY:
> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Looking for jokes about camels

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Looking for Obama jokes....Semper Fi

Semper Fi

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says:

"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I
got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,
"Excellent trade, sir."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Looking for jokes...Women Over 40!

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Looking for jokes about beautiful women!

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Friday, April 10, 2009

Looking for jokes about Jack Schitt

video

Looking for jokes about illegal immigrants

Have you ever noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add a few more letters, it actually spells out: "Fuck off and go home all you benefit-stealing, kid-producing, non-English-speaking cocksuckers, and take those hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-fucking, smelly raghead bastards with you."

How weird is that??

Looking for Blonde jokes

Easter Blond Joke



Three blonds (natural) died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him

what Easter was.



The first blond said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and

we give thanks and eat turkey."



St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.



The second blond said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and

exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.



The third blond said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So,

tell me."



She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish

festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples

when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung

Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb

behind a very large boulder ...



St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."



Then the blond continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus

comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."



St. Peter fainted.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Looking for jokes about getting old

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age..


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'


'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'


Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


'I said, 'No, my former doctor said

that all red meat is very unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, hiking, or bi cycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'


'No,' I said.


He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Looking for another Obama joke!

Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?

Looking for jokes...gay spiders

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.



He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden,' she said.

Looking for jokes,Are you smarter than your foot?

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT? You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............ This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain! 1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Looking for jokes about Oklahoma!

Oklahoma Nudist Colony

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony in Oklahoma . On his first day
he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous
petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call
for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to
the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to
her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the
sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man
lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put
him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by
smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the
$500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had
a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I
fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'

Looking for doctor jokes

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied..
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling, dancing?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.



He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

Looking for little old lady jokes

The Night of April 1st
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Will you please state your age?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > I am 71 years old.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
> > 1st?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
> > spring evening,
> > When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Did you know him?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > No, but he sure was friendly.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > What happened after he sat down?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > He started to rub my thigh.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Did you stop him?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > No, I didn't stop him.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Why not?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years
> > ago.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > What happened next?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > He began to rub my breasts.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Did you stop him then?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > No, I did not stop him.
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Why not?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good
> > in years!
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > What happened next?
> >
> >
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told
> > him 'Take me, young man.
> >
> > Take me now!'
> >
> >
> >
> > Defense Attorney:
> > Did he take you?
> >
> > Little Old Lady:
> > Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off .
> > And that's when I shot him ............ the little bastard.
> >

Looking for jokes about breaking news!

BREAKING NEWS

In 2009 the government will start
Deporting all the mentally ill people.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run my little crazy friend, run!



Well, what can I say ??

Someone sent it to me,

And dammit,

I'm NOT going alone !!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Looking for Obama jokes!

The OHIO Turnpike will be closed this weekend.





They are shipping in from Pennsylvania to South Dakota a 2000 ton lump of coal, so they can add Obama to Mt. Rushmore.

Looking for jokes about a good healthy wine!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
That if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit..

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service

Friday, April 3, 2009

Looking for jokes about snoring dogs!

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help..


The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed...

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.


Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

'I don't know where we were ... or what we did, but, by God we took FIRST and SECOND place!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Looking for jokes about new icecream flavor!

New Ice Cream Flavor
In honor of the 44th President of the United States Baskin Robins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor, Barocky Road. Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The cost is $100 per scoop. When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you. Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change, holding an empty cone,with no hope of getting any ice cream

Looking for jokes....Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding accross the prairie when suddenly Tonto leaps from his horse,puts his ear to the ground and says: IRON HORSE COMING! How do you know this asked the Lone Ranger? Feelem ground shake smellem smoke in air.Tonto re-mounts his horse and after about 5 miles ,as they top a ridge they spot train. Now that's very impressive states the Lone Ranger.So they ride a few miles further and again Tonto leaps off his horse,puts his ear to the ground and states:BUFFALO CUM,Lone Ranger asked :how do you know this? Tonto replies: EAR STICKY!

Looking for Gay Indian jokes

Hear about the gay Indian?....He's a Brave Fucker!!!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


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