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Friday, October 26, 2012

The Difference Between Complete and Finished


 
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between those two words. In a recently held linguistic competition held in London, England, attended by the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man from Bachelors Adventure was the clear winner with a standing ovation lasting over five minutes. Here is his answer which made him receive an invitation to dine with the Queen, who decided to call him after the contest. He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old Eldorado rum for his answer.
 
The question was this. How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Here is Mr. Balgobin’s astute answer: 
 
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
 

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Guns

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

The Late Show with David Letterman
And here we go…
#11 – (Bonus) A gun won’t max out your credit cards and empty your bank account.
#10 – You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 – You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.
#8 – If you admire a friend’s gun, and tell him so, he'll probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 – Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 – Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 – A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
#4 – Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 – A gun doesn’t ask , “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
#2 – A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women…..




#1 – You can buy a silencer for a gun!

Friday, September 28, 2012

real life is no joke




1. A man comes into the ER and yells....'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

 

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco

 

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

 

Submitted by Dr . Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

 

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct .
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart .'

 

Submitted by Dr . Susan Steinberg

 

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist , he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications .
'Which one?'. I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 

Submitted by Dr . Rebecca St . Clair ,
Norfolk , VA

 

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . ..
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

 

Submitted by Dr . Steven Swanson -
Corvallis , OR

 

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste'. Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

 

Submitted by Dr . Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,

 

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk , sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

 

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry... had to mow the lawn.'

 

Submitted by RN no name,

 

AND FINALLY!! ! .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

 

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . .. .

 

'No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .'

 

Dr wouldn't submit his name....

 

1 MORE

 

Baby's First Doctor Visit

 

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

 

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples , pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight . You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.

Friday, August 31, 2012

trailer park no joke

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the local Nissan plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If’ n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Mitt has a blind trust.

I saw where Mitt Romney has a blind trust that pays millions a year. My luck ,i would get a trust and it would not go blind.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Get down

A Vietnam vet told me that more black folk died in the Nam than any other race. I said,what ? The vet said when they would yell "get down"! The black soldiers would get up and start dancing.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Depressed American


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.  They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Folks, we're screwed!

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Work Place Harassment

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female colleague at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the man. The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a colleague telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank... the midget.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Farting in front of the Queen

I farted in front of the QUEEN..eVERY ONE WAS UPSET AND SAID" Never FART IN FRONT OF THE qUEEN.It is  disrespectful." I said I did not know it was her turn.

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