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Friday, December 30, 2011

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

Monday, November 28, 2011

Men Are Just Happier People

Send to all your girl friends



What do you expect from such simple creatures?



Your last name stays put.



The garage is all yours.



Wedding plans take care of themselves.



Chocolate is just another snack.



You can be President.



You can never be pregnant.



You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.



You can wear NO shirt to a water park.



Car mechanics tell you the truth.



The world is your urinal.



You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.



You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.



Same work, more pay.



Wrinkles add character.



Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.



People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.



New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.



One mood all the time.



Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.



You know stuff about tanks.



A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.



You can open all your own jars.



You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.



If someone forgets to invite you,



He or she can still be your friend.



Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.



Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..



You almost never have strap problems in public.



You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..



Everything on your face stays its original color..



The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.



You only have to shave your face and neck.



You can play with toys all your life.



One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.



You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look..



You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.



You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.



No wonder men are happier.

_________________________________



Men Are Just Happier People



NICKNAMES



If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.



If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba andWildman .



EATING OUT



When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.



When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



MONEY



A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.



A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS



A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.



The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS



A woman has the last word in any argument.



Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



FUTURE



A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.



A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



MARRIAGE



A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.



A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP



A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL



Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.



Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING



Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.



A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.





THOUGHT FOR THE DAY





A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!



SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it..

Saturday, October 15, 2011

did everything right

Man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more.. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday..... He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his f*#king widow.'

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

looking for more bartender jokes

A black guy,



an illegal alien,



a muslim,



and a communist



walk into a bar.










The bartender asks,



"What can I get you Mr.

President?"

Saturday, September 24, 2011

THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER! (OLDIE)

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!



Dear Ex-Husband, nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.

So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.



.a.b.

Friday, September 23, 2011

math

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint.. and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

Friday, September 2, 2011

no joke

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.





The bartender was crushed to death.

Friday, August 26, 2011

looking for jokes but found oxymorons


21 Oxymoron by A moron and a Mormon (s)





1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?



2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?



3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?



4. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?



5. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?



6. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?



7. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?



8. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?



9. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?



10. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?



11. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?



12. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?



13. Why is bra singular and panties plural?



14. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?



15. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?



16. How come abbreviated is such a long word?



17. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?



18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?



19. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?



20. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?



21. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

looking for SMART A**jokes


Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid.." a double punch line bonus.

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Not looking for jokes in D.C. OR spend trillions on other big business in other parts of the world


PLEASE DON'T TAX THE RICH !!! THEY NEED TO CREATE JOBS IN CHINA !!! Is this a joke OR are the 535 clowns in our congress? They do not want to play together or work together.A down grade in credit for a great country WAS be the goal.Next goal digital global money.hOW LONG WILL IT TAKE THE CLOWNS TO CRASH THE dollar?

Friday, July 8, 2011

Looking for dog and lady joke

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua ..
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there...we've got the dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman said indignantly, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua ?!"

Monday, May 9, 2011

ఒబామా నాట్ యువర్ మామ జోక్స్

Funeral Expenses

Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of

Jerusalem , he has a fatal heart attack.

The undertaker tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home

for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100".

The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and

tell him they still want Obama flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to

get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this

religious country and you would only spend $100?".

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was

buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply

can't take that risk"

Friday, April 8, 2011

ఓ please, no more political jokes

THIS JUST IN:

Playboy reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue.



Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic.

In other news ....



We all remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of

2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now,



KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket."

It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes.

Just keeping you up to date. Please pass a budget that is ballanced.

Why She Changed Motels

Last week, she checked into a motel in Florida and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."


She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... You get the picture.

She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?". .. . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby. Now how does that sound?"




He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Monday, January 10, 2011

Black tie for sale

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"


The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only �5."


The Taliban shouted,

"Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you,
but I must find water first!


"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than
that.


If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."


Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.



Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said


"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

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