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Sunday, May 31, 2009

Looking for jokes about the Irish!

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'

After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied.

'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all! They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Looking for Granny Jokes!!! Video

Looking for Jokes...HONESTY!......Video

Looking for Jokes...Mexican Translation

1. *Cheese* - The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a > sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese a fat girl.> >                        2. *Mushroom* - When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.> >               3. *Shoulder* - My fren wanted 2 become a cetizen but she didn't know how > to read so I shoulder.> >                 4.  * Texas * - My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where > I'm at!> >                5. *Herpes* - Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got > herpes.> >               6. *July* - Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!> >              7. *Rectum* - I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!> >         8. *Chicken* - I was going 2 to go to the store with my wife but theen I > think chicken go herself.> >                    9. *Wheelchair* - We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry > wheelchair> >                       10. *Chicken* *Wing* - My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing some > money.> >                   11. *Harassment* - My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told > her, "Honey harassment nothing to me."> >                 12. *Bishop* - My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.> >                13. *Body wash* - I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.> >            14. *Budweiser* - That woman over there has a nice body, budweiser face > so ugly?

Friday, May 22, 2009

Looking for jokes...Dusted Undies

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'


His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.


'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'


She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Looking for jokes....Dear God

Dear God:


This year please send clothes

for all those poor ladies

in Daddy's computer.


Amen.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Looking for jokes...Confucius Says:

Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is
Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Looking for jokes...Mexican Whore!

Our Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about
the raise...


She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'


Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is
that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?' learn mexican> For Mexican translation go here.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Looking for jokes...GEEKS!

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition,Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download
Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default toA
0Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.


Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install
Mother-In-Law1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will
eventually seize control of all your system resources..)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend5.0 ;
program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance.20 We
recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!
Tech Support

Friday, May 8, 2009

Looking for Obama Jokes

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the
local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out, here was this cop writing out a parking ticket.





I said to him, 'Come on,
man, how about giving a retired person a
break'?





He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity
annoyed me, so I called him a 'PIG.'





He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn
tires.





So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating NAZI.'





He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first.





Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a 'moron in blue'.





This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the
more, tickets he wrote.





Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the
car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper
stickers that, said, 'Obama '08.'





I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.





The doctor tells me that it's important for my health!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Looking for jokes...Caught in a Lie!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
> When you said you had 12 inches, Lord I almost died!
> But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
> That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on ...
> But there you are, another lie,
> I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
> I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
> Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
>
> Go on now-go! , Walk out the door,
> Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
> Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
> Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
>
> [Chorus]
>
> I will survive! I will survive!
> Cuz as long as I have batteries,
> My sex life's gonna thrive!
> I will always have good sex,
> With a handful of latex!
> I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
>
> It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
> When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
> But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
> Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
>
> [Chorus]
>
> I will survive! I will survive!
> Cuz as long as I have batteries,
> My sex life's gonna thrive!
> I will always have good sex,
> With a handful of latex!
> I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
>

Looking for jokes..SEX PRIZE!

A woman meets a man in a bar. They
talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..





They get back to
his place, And as he shows her around his
apartment,

She notices that one wall of
his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly
teddy bears.



There are three shelves in the
bedroom, With hundreds and hundreds of cute,

Cuddly
teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall!



It was obvious that he had
taken quite
some time to lovingly arrange them,

And she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had

put into organizing the display.



There were small bears all
along the
bottom shelf, Medium-sized
bears covering the

length of the middle shelf, And
huge, enormous bears running all
the way along the top shelf.



She found it strange for an obviously
masculine guy To
have such a large collection of

Teddy Bears, She
is quite impressed by his sensitive
side, But
doesn't mention this to him.



They share a bottle of wine and continue
talking and, After
awhile, she finds herself

thinking, 'Oh
my God! Maybe, this guy could
be the one! Maybe
he could be the future

Father of my children?'



She turns to him and kisses him lightly
on the lips. He
responds warmly. They
continue to kiss, the passion builds, And
he romantically lifts her in his
arms and carries her into his bedroom Where
they rip off each other's clothes
and make hot, steamy love.



She is so overwhelmed that she responds
with more passion, More
creativity, more heat than she has
ever known. After
an intense, explosive night of
raw passion with this sensitive guy, They
are lying there together in the
afterglow.



The woman rolls over, gently strokes
his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,
how was it?'



The guy gently smiles at her, Strokes her cheek, Looks
deeply into her eyes,

and says:



'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Looking for jokes...Post Turtle!

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to politics and Obama as our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle'.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, 'what is a 'Post Turtle'?

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'Post Turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with'

Looking for jokes...Starts with F ends with K

What Starts with F and ends with K A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of herstudents. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rdgrade too!' Ms. Brooks had had enough. She too k Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to theprincipal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he wouldgive the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he wasto go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' ;Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd gradershould know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can goto the 3rd grade.' Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.' The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only twoof?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.' Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' Harry: 'Coconut.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft andsticky?' The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop theanswer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting downand a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means alot of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'PutHarry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong....'

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Looking for jokes...God and the Biker!

GOD & THE BIKER
>>>>
>>>> > A biker was riding on a highway along a California
>>>> beach when suddenly
>>>> > the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming
>>>> voice, the Lord
>>>> > said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to
>>>> me in all ways, I will
>>>> > grant you one wish.
>>>> >
>>>> > The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge
>>>> to Hawaii so I can
>>>> > ride over anytime I want."
>>>> >
>>>> > The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic,
>>>> think of the enormous
>>>> > challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports
>>>> required would
>>>> > reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and
>>>> steel it would take!
>>>> > It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I
>>>> can do it, but it
>>>> > is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
>>>> things. Take a
>>>> > little more time and think of something that would
>>>> honor and glorify me."
>>>> >
>>>> > The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he
>>>> said, "Lord, I
>>>> > wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know
>>>> how she feels
>>>> > inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the
>>>> silent treatment,
>>>> > why she cries, what she means when she says
>>>> nothing's wrong, and how I
>>>> > can make a woman truly happy."
>>>> >
>>>> > The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on
>>>> that bridge?"
>>
>

Monday, May 4, 2009

Looking for party jokes

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't bark!

Friday, May 1, 2009

Looking for hand jobs!

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up
to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

> COLD BEER: $2.00
> HAMBURGER: $2.25
> CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
> CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
> HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole'
biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he
whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes,
I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,
"Well then, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

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