Looking for Irish confessional jokes

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well,
we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest
said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see
that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in
the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and
then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The
Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young
woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me
seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze
seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman
asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it
will wipe that smile off of your face.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya'be saying a mass for the poor
creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down
the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father.
Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father
Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And my favorite:

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had wild sex
with each of them three times.'






Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody..'