THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER! (OLDIE)

Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!



Dear Ex-Husband, nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.

So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.



.a.b.

math

Mathematics:
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint.. and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.
Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why some people are where they are!

no joke

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.





The bartender was crushed to death.

looking for jokes but found oxymorons

21 Oxymoron by A moron and a Mormon (s)





1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?



2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?



3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?



4. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?



5. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?



6. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?



7. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?



8. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?



9. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?



10. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?



11. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?



12. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?



13. Why is bra singular and panties plural?



14. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?



15. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?



16. How come abbreviated is such a long word?



17. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?



18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?



19. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?



20. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?



21. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

looking for SMART A**jokes

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a**-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid.." a double punch line bonus.

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid.