Medical conference
An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"
The German doctor stood up and said, "Well medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work on 4 weeks"
The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person, put it
into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"
Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the
conference, "Well", he said, "My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an Asshole out of Chicago , put him in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"
Monday, March 30, 2009
Looking for jokes about the quailifications to become President of the United States
In a Seattle Washington college classroom, they were discussing the
qualifications to be President of the United States . It was
pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least
35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was
the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was
that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming
president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but
everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,
'What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this
country than one born by C-section?'
Yep, these are the 18 year olds that just voted for the President of the
United States.
qualifications to be President of the United States . It was
pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least
35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was
the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was
that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming
president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but
everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,
'What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this
country than one born by C-section?'
Yep, these are the 18 year olds that just voted for the President of the
United States.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Looking for jokes..2 garbage bags
Two Garbage Bags
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower gar den. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab hold of it and tell them, '$20 or off it comes.'
'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower gar den. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab hold of it and tell them, '$20 or off it comes.'
'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.
Looking for jokes..State Troopers
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing
through what little hair he had left.
"'Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights
flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to
await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his
watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can
give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State
Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing
through what little hair he had left.
"'Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights
flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to
await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his
watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can
give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State
Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Looking for jokes....Little boy vs Priest
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards...
>
> The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."
> The little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that."
> The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
>
> The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
> The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
>
> The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
>
> The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."
> The little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that."
> The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
>
> The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
> The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
>
> The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Looking for Adult jokes..The Why's of Men
The Why's of Men
1.WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are
plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know, it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour puss !
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt . Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I
am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower . 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed
gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough..
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
1.WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are
plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know, it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour puss !
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt . Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I
am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower . 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed
gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough..
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
Looking for jokes about Labradors
Three male Labradors , 1 chocolate, 1 yellow, and 1 black were sitting
in a waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation.
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?'
The chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my
owner's' bed.'
The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab.. They
reckon it'll calm me down.'
The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.. When I'm inside, I dig up
the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big
hole in my owner's couch.'
So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired.
Looks like I'm losing my nuts too'. The dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. 'Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the
shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes, I just couldn't
help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'.
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts
off for you too, huh?'
The black Lab said.... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.
in a waiting room at the vet's office when they struck up a conversation.
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?'
The chocolate Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my
owner's' bed.'
The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'
Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab.. They
reckon it'll calm me down.'
The black Lab then turned to the yellow Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.. When I'm inside, I dig up
the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big
hole in my owner's couch.'
So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired.
Looks like I'm losing my nuts too'. The dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'
'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. 'Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the
shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes, I just couldn't
help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'.
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts
off for you too, huh?'
The black Lab said.... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Looking for jokes about the draft
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've
got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off
to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join
a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old
guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than
28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier
is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and
hungry'. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that
desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a
while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys
always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm
tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up
killing some fanatical S-O-B....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we
put them. In fact, name, rank, and seria
l number would be a real
brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed
and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an
appreciation for guns. Most of us have been using them for years as an
excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in
combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the
side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've
never seen anyone out run a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to
shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't
figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the
back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little
more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The
last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off
old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best
years are already behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!!
You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured
the first night!
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've
got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off
to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join
a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old
guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than
28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier
is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and
hungry'. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that
desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a
while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys
always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm
tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up
killing some fanatical S-O-B....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we
put them. In fact, name, rank, and seria
l number would be a real
brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed
and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an
appreciation for guns. Most of us have been using them for years as an
excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in
combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the
side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've
never seen anyone out run a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to
shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't
figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the
back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little
more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The
last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off
old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best
years are already behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!!
You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured
the first night!
Looking for jokes about drunks
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at
her six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections
that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity
getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely
correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at
her six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections
that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity
getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely
correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Looking for jokes about global facts
The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old timer is reading emails.
You hang in there sunshine.......
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old timer is reading emails.
You hang in there sunshine.......
Looking for a party joke
What's in a name ?
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests spotted an
attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said,
Hello, my name is Carmen.'
'That's a beautiful name' he replied. 'Is it a family name?'
'No' she replied. 'Actually I gave it to myself. It represents the things
that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose ¢Carmen¢.
'What's your name?'
He answered, 'B.J. Titsengolf.'
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests spotted an
attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said,
Hello, my name is Carmen.'
'That's a beautiful name' he replied. 'Is it a family name?'
'No' she replied. 'Actually I gave it to myself. It represents the things
that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose ¢Carmen¢.
'What's your name?'
He answered, 'B.J. Titsengolf.'
Monday, March 23, 2009
Looking for Irish confessional jokes
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well,
we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest
said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see
that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in
the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and
then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The
Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young
woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me
seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze
seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman
asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it
will wipe that smile off of your face.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya'be saying a mass for the poor
creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down
the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father.
Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father
Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And my favorite:
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had wild sex
with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody..'
almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well,
we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest
said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see
that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in
the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and
then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The
Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' The young
woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me
seven times.' The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze
seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' The young woman
asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' The priest said, 'No, but it
will wipe that smile off of your face.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya'be saying a mass for the poor
creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down
the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father.
Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father
Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And my favorite:
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had wild sex
with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody..'
Looking for another sex joke..BooBs Vs Willies
> BOOBS VS. WILLIES
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> A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
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> 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
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> The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman
> goes
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> through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are
> like
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> melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like
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> pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are
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> like onions'. 'Onions?'
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> < br>
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> 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
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> This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter
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> said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are
> there?'
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> The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,
> a
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> man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy
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> is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s,
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> it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s,
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> it is like a Christmas tree'.
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> 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the root
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> balls are just for decoration.'
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> A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
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> 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
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> The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman
> goes
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> through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are
> like
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> melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like
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> pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are
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> like onions'. 'Onions?'
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> < br>
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> 'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
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> This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter
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> said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are
> there?'
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> The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,
> a
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> man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy
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> is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s,
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> it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s,
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> it is like a Christmas tree'.
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> 'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the root
> up and the
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> balls are just for decoration.'
>
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Looking for jokes about farmers
LETTER FROM A FARM KID:
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Larson by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school teacher He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Devils Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Darlene
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Larson by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school teacher He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Devils Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Darlene
Looking for lame indian jokes
What did the indian say when the dog jumped off the cliff ?...............DOG GONE!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Looking for headlines 2029
> HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029> > > > Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the> seventh largest country in the world, Mexifonia, formerly known as> California . > > > > > > White minorities still trying to have English recognized as> Mexifornia's third language. > > > > Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops> and livestock. > > > > **** Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped***. > > > > Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. > > > > Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least> 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. > > > > France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica> . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! > > > > Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported> legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. > > > > > > George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. > > > > > > Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and> reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. > > > > > > 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to> weight loss. > > > > > > > > Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. > > > > Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third> consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba. > > > > Senate still blocking drilling in ANWAR even though gas is> selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on> Tuesdays and Fridays. > > > > Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. > > > > Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil> rights. > > > > Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. > > > > New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,> fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January> 2030. > > > > IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. > > > > Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.. > > > > Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want,> then, guess what.... NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money,> absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or very very> scared. > > > > > > I Love This Country! > > > > It's The Government That Scares Me! For more headlines hey google it.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
You got joke join LFJ Google group
Have a great St.Patty day Free Green beer for group members in Canada. Cheers
Monday, March 16, 2009
Funny Jokes: Funny Irish Joke - Our Jokes ARE Funny
Funny Jokes: Funny Irish Joke - Our Jokes ARE Funny Happy ST. PATTY DAY( a gren beer for your dear)
Looking for a spoon Joke
> >> The Spoon:> >>> >> A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,'and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to> >> serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' Well,he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me,but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That >>consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39% I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Thursday, March 12, 2009
No joke a Alzheimer check public service post
ALZHEIMER'S CHECK > > > > > The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it! > > 1 This is this cat. > 2. This is is cat. > 3. This is how cat. > 4. This is to cat. > 5. This is keep cat. > 6. This is an cat. > 7. This is old cat. > 8. This is fart cat. > 9. This is busy cat > 10. This is for cat. > 11. This is forty cat. > 12. This is seconds cat. > > > Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on. > > >
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Cabela shopper
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says,'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?' He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.' She doesn't believehim but drop it on the counter anyway. He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.' She says, 'It's amazing that you cantell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' hesays. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell itwas she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around? The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.' The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'D idn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?' He replies, 'Yes,Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is$11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50'
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Looking for a sex joke
A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life. > After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Ivy ..Ivy.': 'Is that you, Richard?' 'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.' 'That's wonderful! What's it like?' 'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course . I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.' > > 'Oh, Richard you surely must be in Heaven!' 'Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona !' Lookingforsex jokes
Looking for a 3 pigs joke
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building Materials for his home. She read . 'and so the pig went up to the man with the Wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that Straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the Man would have said - 'Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!'
Looking for jokes
Looking for some good jokes,now alot of the joke will come from Joel.Lets start out with the Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.?> 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'> 'Not yet,' she replied.I will add my West virginia jokes with a link.Because my wife grew up in the mountain STATE.We will always look for teeth jokes on the net. http://e-verge-buzzirk.blogspot.com/2008/06/thanks-dick-west-virginia-jokes.html Always lookingforsex jokes lookingforgroup jokes looking for jokes thanks Joe from ARCANSAW
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Looking for beter jokes than this crap
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